Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Blogs I like

Are you black and you love to travel? Then you'll love "I'm black and I travel" :-)

There's nothing better than getting travel inspiration. Imblack&Itravel uses a soulful rich language full of humor, in a way that makes travel feel easy and doable :-) Brilliant.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Controlling people by Patricia Evans

Patricia Evans author of the revolutionary book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship. How to Recognize it and How to Respond" is also the author of "Controlling People", a powerful book about the dynamics of controlling people and their thought mechanisms.

If you're in one of those relationships where you find yourself feeling depleted and tired, belittled and assaulted, without ever knowing exactly why you're feeling like that, then this could be a good book to get your hands on.

In "Controlling People", Evans describes how one can easily recognize a controlling person in the early stages of a relationship as they will almost always want to tell you what to feel and/or think.

Usually this is done in a loving manner, almost like they are trying to help.
A response to sharing ones feelings, perception or choices can be:
"Oh no that's not it, you're just tired...go and rest"...
"No honey, you misunderstood, you know how you can be so sensitive"
or "You know you don't like that color, you always like this one".
Or the easily recognizable "I know you, you always xxx..."

Which all sound innocuously caring...

However, all those sentences are basically negating the experience of the person sharing, and redefining it instead. If this is allowed to continue, the controlling person will eventually only relate in this way, constantly defining another's reality and experience and not seeing or hearing the other person as they are, or as they choose to be.

The thing with these kinds of relationship dynamics, is that they are hard to pinpoint. Someone telling you " You are always so pretty" seems harmless, and the comment will probably go unnoticed...or "You read too much"..."your too intelligent"...all very harmless but just slightly unnerving for the one receiving these comments. There's nothing untoward about them...but they're not very pleasing or friendly either.

But the thing with those kind of comments, is that they get the recipient to want to defend themselves..."No I'm not just tired, I really do feel xxx"..."No I don't read too much...actually I also..." however this kind of defensive talk leaves the person doing the defending, feeling depleted and exhausted without really knowing why.

Evans describes how controlling people relate to a lack of their own sense of self, by defining others, describing how childhood conditions can result in a sense of disconnection in the controlling people, that prevents them from really being in touch with their own intuition and feelings.

From interviews she's held, she's found out that controlling people rarely remember the details of their controlling behaviors. They seem to lose touch with their own sense of reality and act automatically.

So what's the secret to dealing with controlling people? According to Evans, one should gain awareness of the dynamics of such relationships. This helps a lot, as most cases really are generically text book. Insanely so!!! I have read conversations I've had with CP's in books and wondered if the author had been in the room taking notes.

Also, Evans recommends not engaging controlling behavior by being defensive. Responding by repeating "what?" "what did you say?" "What do you mean by that?" to a CP, may stop them in their tracks.

In my experience , repeating what they have just said back to them in a "so when you say xxx, you mean?"...or "Did I just hear you say xxx" or "so then your opinion is xxx" or "you think that xxx" kind of way, makes it clear that they are saying something that only relates to themselves, and that you have your own separate identity, that they are welcome to enquirer into but they have no right defining.

Monday, November 08, 2010

One of those days when...

I get a spam mail that says that I've inherited $17 500 000, and I wish, reaaaaally hard, that it was true.

I look up to the skies and keep saying "beem me up scotty" and actually wait for something to happen. It doesnt.

I feel like a round peg in a square hole (yup, not the other way round). I seem to fit, wish I did...but I don't.

I'm not E.T. I do wanna go home though...and I want to stay there.